What’s your most memorable leap of faith?
Mine was to cancel my spot on a cycling trip.
There was this amazing experience called Otesha. It was young adults who were interested in a couple month cycling adventure. On the trip you’d pop into libraries, community centers, etc. to put on a play about being more environmentally sustainable. Cycling, community of likeminded people, acting, and spreading information that I cared about. That’s a big Yes!
Not just anyone can be a part of it. I had to pass two interviews to get in, but I did it! Two months cycling around the East Coast! I had to raise money for the adventure and went about doing so in a bunch of neat environmentally conscious ways. Some people liked to support me by buying my upcycled wear, others wrote checks and were happy to receive a tax receipt. Either way, I was doing pretty well on that front.
Then a weird thing happened. About a month before I was to go, I got blocked. I recall sitting down to write out a list of what I’d need to pack, and my brain threw a tantrum! Super uninterested in doing that task. (Which is weird because I love making a list and I was really jazzed about the trip.) Then I tried to push myself to get on the bike more often, to build up my cycling body. Nope. It was like a wall of resistance.
For days the wall persisted. It was so frustrating! I wanted answers. A friend noticed that I wasn’t talking about Otesha anymore and I told her how I was feeling. She said, it sounds like you don’t want to go. I knew she was right, but I didn’t know why or how it was even possible to back out. I felt like a bride who was about to leave the altar after receiving the gifts. What about all the money I raised?
Now, I was already a spiritual person who’d received nudges about doing things. So I was left assuming that I would be needed at home. Maybe something was going to happen that I needed to be around for. It was all I could think of.
I called the Otesha people, and they said it was ok to back out, and that they had a waitlist of people who’d be happy to take my place. Next, I connected with all the people who gave me money and they were ok for me to pass it along to Otesha. All that was left for me to do was to wait to see why the hell I couldn’t go. I was connected to their blog and read with a conflicted heart about all the people meeting, becoming instant friends, and practicing the play they’d perform together.
Their next blog post let me know about an accident with a transport truck.
One dead. Two others in hospital.
That’s why I couldn’t go. But it left me with so many questions. Was the person who died the one who took my place? Did he receive the same kind of nudge from the Universe but ignored it? Or is it possible that we all have our own time to die? And that was his and not mine? Why was I spared?
I remind myself of this story whenever I doubt myself. My intention from a young age has been to be of service. I’ve never coloured in the picture of what it will look like. I trust that my heart being open to being of service will be enough. That I’ll stay awake to the nudges and that I’ll be guided to do what I need to do. It can be scary sometimes, living in this world of five-year plans, logical next steps and productivity. I want to create beauty. I want people to feel good. I’d love us to access love a little more. I’d like to make a positive difference with the time I’ve been gifted.
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